My 20-Year Journey from Brain Surgery to Pride Caerphilly
Not only is it Pride Caerphilly, it’s also my 20 year anniversary of when I had brain surgery.
That was a scary and painful experience, I have no idea consciously or happened when I was under the knife, but my subconscious brain does has arisen traumas that have needed much care and love for years.
Last night I had a dream I was dying, I was awaiting death and I was scared I was going to be left suffering. So I was trying to find a way to get better and also go quicker so I didn’t have to keep thinking about how I would die.
I am proud of how far I have come since a lifetime of epilepsy and never feeling safe to go anywhere or do anything alone in case I convulsed and died in a painful way.
I still get overwhelming scary thoughts and more so since having children. But they don’t lead the show as much as they used to.
The biggest most powerful lesson it taught me, was to be aware that we have very little idea of a person is experiencing, regarding anything. I’ve also learned that’s many of us are ashamed of our fears, triggers and traumas as they are deemed as a sign of weakness and that if you’re laid back without a care in the world you are nailing life.
I’ve learnt the most powerful lessons have been from these experiences and they are nothing to be ashamed of. The space I gathered and felt most strength was actually from the darker moments , my shadows , my fears and my triggers.
My breakdowns have stripped me bare in order to recognise that being afraid is nothing to be ashamed of.
And in that darkness, when there was no more fight left, a light shone through and showed me, I need not fight them they are not my enemies, they are teaching me to come back home to what I really want and care about, to continue life regardless and that status is just a made up assumption of contentment.
I would rather not have brain surgery again, however I am grateful my brain is weird and wonderful , I’m glad my body is weird and wonderful and that everyone and everything else around me is weird and wonderful to.
I am not here to do this life anyone else’s way but my own and that means stripping back all the layers of presumption of what that was meant to have been.
It’s pride!
Huge love
Em x